Mina Wolf

My New Toy

2010-11-01T12:15:00.001-05:00

So I had to share. I just got an Amazon Kindle! Yes, totally an early Christmas Present. It's too bad I'm mid-book or I'd start using it.

My Little Fairy

2010-10-14T12:25:00.001-05:00

When my parents got together, my father had told my mother, in no uncertain terms, that they would only have two children. I don’t think my mom really had an issue with this and she never really cared to press the issue. My brother was born first. So when my mom got pregnant again, she would pray everyday that I come out a girl. She had always loved the idea of a little girl she could dress up and make beautiful outfits for. I grew up knowing that my mom prayed to have me. I also grew up with a song that I was told my mom sang to me often. It’s an Indian song that came out the year I was born.

Now I have a little girl. A “Little Fairy” of my own. So of course, I sing the same song to her. It amazes me how much she loves it. Even my son (who has his own song) loves it too. He’ll ask “Mommy, sing me baby sister’s song”. So I will.

Here is the song translated (my favorite verse is bolded):

She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house,
mounted on a beautiful chariot of moonlight.
She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house.
There was a sweetness like honey in her words;
and the scent of perfume on her breath.
Her lips were like wet, wet roses;
her cheeks were like ripe pomegranates.
She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house.
From her arrival, in my courtyard,
flowers blossomed and spring sang.
Having seen her, I cannot have my fill of her
even if I see her a thousand times.
She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house.
I asked her, "Who are you?"
With a laugh, she said, "I am your love.
I have lived in your heart since forever,
but this is the first time I've come to your house."
She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house,
mounted on a beautiful chariot of moonlight.
She came to my house,
a little fairy came to my house, a little fairy...

Just needed to say...

2010-10-05T12:46:00.001-05:00

So compared to most women, I had a really easy time getting pregnant with both babies. Not only did I get pregnant easily, I had a very easy pregnancy physically (emotionally was a roller coaster with the first one but everything worked out perfectly). The thing is, when I look at my babies, I still have to pinch myself because I feel so lucky. I still think of them as my miracles. So when someone who had a harder time makes it seem like they were the ones that REALLY had a miracle, I’m a bit resentful. My babies came to be without much heartache yes. But that doesn’t make their value to me any less then any other baby out there. Just needed to get that out.

So eventually, when I’m not in the middle of a big project at work, I want to start blogging again as a “Working Mother”. I’m sure that it seems like there are more working mothers then not. But it seems like I’m surrounded by SAHM’s. Let’s see if I can manage.

It's Almost Time

2010-03-19T09:00:00.003-05:00

So based on the doc's visit I had yesterday, I really don't think it'll be much longer. I am scheduled for an induction exactly one month from today (4/19) so it definitely won't be past that.

Some things that would surprise me about this delivery:

- I'd be surprised if this little girl comes out weighing more then her brother did. He came out at 6 pounds at 38.5 weeks. I gained a total of 30 pounds with him (which I lost within a 3 months). So far with her, I've only gained 20 pounds and I seem to be stagnating on weight gain.

- I'd be surprised if she actually let's me go to my induction date. Whether it's because I go into labor or because I have low fluids like I did last time and had to be induced.

So far, I've been having contractions for weeks now. Each week seems to be getting a bit harder and more often. This is a lot earlier then what happened last time. I've also been told I've "dropped". I find that funny simply because I'm so short to begin with, how can you tell! I'm still kinda hoping she waits til beginning of April but in all honesty, I'm okay with whatever she decides to tell my body. I'm excited about meeting her! Now, to get her dad to give her a name...

Introspection

2010-03-16T12:00:00.002-05:00

Hopefully this doesn't sound completely crazy to everyone. The more I feel comfortable in my own skin, the more I see my many many short comings. Does that sound contradictory?

Anyway, a quick update. I'm 34 weeks pregnant. The doctors say if I go into labor now, they won't be stopping it. This baby moves like she has nothing else to do (she should be sleeping!) Then again so did her brother and he is an AWESOME sleeper. Even if he does still sleep in our bed for most of the night.

I've been having tons of contractions that are some what painful too. Doctor says it's very common for the second time around. Your body is better at having them...

Everything else looks good. She's a girl and Z is very very excited. No name yet. Still waiting on J to make a decision. I'm thinking it'll happen while we're driving to the hospital.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

Finally! An Update!

2010-01-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

I’ve been so bad about posting to either of my sites. My issue is work has gotten busy all of a sudden. On top of that, I have 4 months to get a ton of stuff accomplished before the baby arrives and I go on leave for 3 months.

So many thoughts going on in my head. I guess I can start with saying I’m 7 months pregnant now. Beginning of Feb I will officially enter my third trimester.

My pregnancy has been pretty healthy for the most part. Things are going as they should and I’ve only recently started feeling “uncomfortable” in terms of long days and back pain. The baby moves ALL the time. Unlike Z, she’s sitting pretty and breach. Not only that, she’s sitting with her back to outside of my stomach. She kicks organs! Unfortunately, J has yet to feel her move. But she moves! If not as violently as Z, at least as often. It’s hard to compare since their positions are so different. Here’s to hoping she moves soon.

Sometimes, I wonder how I can love this new one already when my heart seems so full of Z. He’s such a delight. Now that he speaks more, he’s constantly fascinating me with his memory, thought process, and associations (the other day he told me when he’s a big boy, he’ll wear underwear and go on the school bus). He now has a new bed which is a full size since he sleeps like his father and that means in every direction possible. He has Mickey Bedding which is his “favorite”. He says Mickey is nice and he wants to go to Mickey’s House. But he’s okay with waiting until baby sister is here because he doesn’t want her to cry. I honestly thought moving the crib out of his room would be hard on him. Not. He was like “that’s baby sister’s crib”.

As for names, we don’t have one yet. We have options but I have a stubborn husband that is not ready to settle on one. We are leaning toward one but we’ll have to see how it works out.
Hopefully I’ll be inspired to be more regular one of these days. It’s just I rather spend my free time reading blogs them writing my own!

90%

2009-12-09T21:48:00.001-05:00

So it seems like it's 90% certain that I'm having a girl. She was shy and kept her legs crossed so the doctor was only able to catch glimpses. BUT, my instincts say girl so I figure that makes up for the rest of the 10%.

As of right now (have another ultrasound in a few weeks), I'm having a girl!

One of each :)

My Birthday Wish

2009-09-01T12:08:00.003-05:00

A while back, I stopped praying for myself. I still would pray for other people but I some how felt it was wrong to pray for myself.

I did however allow myself to pray/wish for something on my birthdays. It was just my little way of asking the universe, one time a year, for something that was dear to my heart. In September 2006 I got off birth control and asked the universe to make conceiving not too hard on me. I didn't expect it to be easy. I just wanted to have the strength to be able to not become a wreck over it. As most of you know, I was pregnant 2 weeks after getting off birth control. Do I think it was because of my wish? Yes, I do. I've had too many things that I've asked for on my birthday fall into place.

This year, I started preparing for my wish. I'm sure most of you can guess what I asked for. But I did add something else to that. I have a good friend who has been trying for a few years now. She never had any indication of issues and I don't believe they've found anything conclusive in the tests they've been running. My wish was that though I wanted another baby, I really wanted her to have one more. I have my little Z. Even though I want another, I can't say my heart isn't content with him.

This Sunday, I called to tell her the news. I can't tell you how badly I felt. She was so happy for me. I was torn for a while. Should I tell her right away or should I wait a bit. I didn't want her to think, in any way, that I felt I couldn't share with her. So I told her. But in turn, I hope I didn't add a distance to us. I want to be there for her if she needs me. More importantly, I'm really really hoping my birthday wish comes through for her the way it did for me.

By the way, I've started a new blog just about the pregnancy. This is more for me and the baby to share. It's a week by week progress of how I feel, physically and mentally. That doesn't mean I won't post here, but there I'll do an update every week.

Here it is: Mina's Second

My Ticker

2009-08-28T08:43:00.003-05:00

I thought this one was beautiful.

Woah

2009-08-24T09:47:00.001-05:00

Holy Crap!

Two lines this morning. Seems like I'm pregnant again.

Anyone Else Pregnant Too?

2009-08-04T09:46:00.002-05:00

Okay so, J and I decided not to stress with the TTC part 2 since this year we:

Bought a house
Got a puppy
Had his graduation
Had his graduation party
Have a toddler going through the terrible twos

It was one of those things that if it happened, it happened. But if it didn't, we weren't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. But is it a gift horse?

We had pretty much decided that since my cycle has been a bit irregular (I've been at 35-41 day cycles since we moved), we wouldn't actually attempt to time the ovulation until after September but probably before the end of the year. So as soon as I make that decision, I get a call from my SIL (sister-in-law) telling me she's prego, by mistake of course. THEN, one of my close friends here who has a freaking one year old got pregnant by mistake too. Both think we should get on with it now. Both feel like raising their babies with my future one. And yes, I'm starting to feel the influence of peer pressure. Due to my irregularity, I'll probably be playing around with ovulation kits and such. Question is, do I go ahead and do it now? Or wait another few months? And at this point, will a few months make that much of a difference? What am I waiting for?

So after typing all those questions, I realize I need to stop waiting around. My heart wants one even if my mind tells me the timing is not perfect. I figure the mind will find a way to work out what my heart wants. It normally has done pretty good on that. Now, to wait for ovulation...

I am a Snapdragon.

2009-07-24T08:02:00.002-05:00

I am a
Snapdragon

What Flower
Are You?

This is cute, never heard much about snapdragons. I'll have to check them out!

My Snuggler

2009-07-15T07:28:00.000-05:00

So I feel like the concept of children sleeping in the bed with parents is a very controversial one. I think parents that don’t care for it feel the need to disapprove of anyone that does it. Because of this, parents that do it always lament about it. I’ve very rarely met people that think it’s not a big deal.

Let me clarify, I don’t mean that every night the child goes to bed in their parents bed. That they have no bed of their own and have no practice sleeping on their own. Not that I think this is bad, I just have to wonder about how much privacy the parents get for “other” activities. I mean those situations where your child wakes up in the middle of the night and you either bring them into your bed or they toddle their way to mommy and daddy’s bed.

When Z first came home from the hospital, J and I set up a pillow between us and Z slept on this pillow for the first 4 to 6 weeks of his life. Eventually, he moved to the bassinet near my side of the bed. Silly of us, we bought a co-sleeper AFTER he had no space to move in the bassinet. He slept in our room until he was about 9 months. Often, when he would get fussy, I would pull him into the bed. Even times when we felt it was really cold, we would bring him between us and snuggle close to him. My son is a snuggler. He is the most content and happy snuggling. Even now at the age of 2.

When we moved him to his crib, our hearts broke. We knew he needed to get use to his own room and bed. We needed time to be able to relax in our room before we went to bed and he needed to get more sleep then what we got. Still, halfway through the night I walk over to his room, half asleep, and bring him into our bed.

Now, I do want to say, J and I have an ability that allows for us to do this easily. We can sleep anywhere, anytime, in most positions. We can go back to sleep easily as well. Unlike J, I can wake up easily if I know it’s for a few minutes. Some people cannot sleep with their children in the bed. Most children sleep fitfully which really affects the parents sleep. J and I are so comfortable at this point with a family bed, we bought ourselves a King size bed when we moved into our new home. There is so much space in that bed that we’ve woken up to find Z literally horizontal between us.
Yes, Z still comes to our room in the middle of the night. And once we move him to the toddler bed, I expect he’ll walk over on his own. I get something from this experience though. Yesterday I listened to his heartbeat as he slept. I remember listening to his heartbeat when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I don’t think the concept that he once lived in me and is now a walking, breathing (terror) child, will ever feel like anything less then a miracle. As far as J, every time I bring him into our bed, J turns toward him to snuggle, I snuggle in next to him, and we bought hold on to him like he’s the most precious thing ever. Well, I guess because he is.

15 Books

2009-07-02T08:48:00.002-05:00

Found this over at Anna's Book Blog. I think it's a great idea. 15 Books I've read that will always stick with me (these are not in order of preference)

1. Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux
2. Zoya by Danielle Steele
3. Paradise by Judith McNaught
4. Whitney, My Love by Judith McNaught
5. Nobody's Baby But Mine by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
6. Lady Be Good by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
7. Slave to Sensation by Nalini Singh
8. Tiger Eye by Marjorie M. Liu
9. Private Arrangements by Sherry Thomas
10. Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
11. Shapechanger by Jennifer Roberson*
12. Lord Perfect by Loretta Chase
13. Touch of the Wolf by Susan Krinard
14. Dragon Prince by Melanie Rawn
15. The Duchess by Jude Deveraux

*This book was one of the most influential in my love for Wolves. The idea of being able to turn into a wolf is one of my greatest far fetched fantasies :)

Odin

2009-06-09T09:18:00.003-05:00

So we recently picked up a puppy. A Newfoundland puppy. When J first suggested this breed I was a bit taken aback. First of all, I had never heard of them before. I definitely had never seen one. After doing my research, I admit I was a bit disappointed at their looks. They're not the most attractive dogs in the world. I did agree that temperament wise, they sounded ideal for us. The search for a breeder began.

We found someone about 4 hours away that had puppies and had two males left. We drove over to PA and met the mommy and the 10 puppies! I looked a the mommy and realized there is no way anyone could look into that dog's face and be intimidated. The most gentle loving eyes. The cocking of her head to the side. I fell in love with Maddie. The puppies were all over the place one minute, and fast asleep the next. We picked the puppy that seemed to be our fit and went home to await his homecoming.

The naming was tough. We went from Teddy (short for Teddy Bear) to Zeus before finally deciding on Odin. Odin the Norse god was fitting for a majestic dog that had Nordic roots. The best part is we could nickname him Odie while he was growing up.

I'm the first to admit I don't know anything about dogs. I was and still am I bit intimidated. But I'm trying. I gave him a dry bath last night and poor baby thought I was attacking him with the shampoo spray bottle. But by the end, he had his head snuggled into my lap as I brushed him down.

This weekend, we start puppy training. The whole family. I still feel a bit insecure in taking care of Odin. It's the whole stress of feeling like someone else could do so much better then me so why am I doing this! Hopefully as time goes on, Odin and I will get more use to each other.

Sherry Thomas

2009-05-20T08:56:00.001-05:00

One of my new favorites, Sherry Thomas. OMG can this woman write. Tons going on but I've been so busy. I will attempt to put a post together soon.

Exhaustion

2009-03-13T07:10:00.003-05:00

Trying to kick the caffeine habit sucks a lot. Why did it seem so much easier last time? Oh right, I didn't have a toddler!

I've been trying to get myself off of caffeine in anticipation for a potential offspring. So far, I'm pretty regular but no extra pink line. Funny enough, I'm relieved. Things are so crazy with the move and such, I would have no issues waiting to actually get prego toward the end of the year. But we'll see what happens.

J and I are not actively trying. While I'm not on Birth Control and we do tango regularly, we're not checking to see if I'm ovulating or the timing in any way. I'll worry about doing that stuff later. Meanwhile though, I do need to get less dependant on caffeine. But that might require sleeping more. Right, like I have the luxury.

Changes

2009-03-03T14:23:00.002-05:00

My son is now 21 months. How crazy is that? I still remember being pregnant with him like it was yesterday.

I have to admit, though this age is very trying, it's also SO fulfilling. Not only do I get the most affectionate little toddler with a lively personality, I get a cuddly little baby when he goes to bed. It's amazing how he LOOKS so much younger when he's sleepy.

At the end of this month, we're all moving to a new home. We finally bought ourselves a home to grow into. Much bigger then ours but more importantly, one with a yard! I can't wait for all the outdoor activities we'll now be able to do together!

Hope everyone else is doing okay!

Updating

2009-01-15T14:29:00.004-05:00

I'm horrible at updating. But I have found a compromise. It's called Facebook. If you'd like to see Z and his crazy growth, send me an email or something with your Facebook name.

Busy Busy Bee

2008-11-18T13:28:00.002-05:00

Very busy with work lately. I'll have to update later.

Yesterday, I came home and had a conversation with my son. He spoke to me very intently. I must say, he's definitely going to be long winded. It's really too bad I didn't understand a word he said...

It's amazing to me though. I know it happens all the time to everyone. But the whole birth process is so wonderous. I mean I remember what it felt like to have him kicking inside of me. And here he is, trying to have a conversation with me.

Curveball

2008-10-01T13:06:00.001-05:00

Life throws you curveballs all the time. Then, you live with someone like J and it’s not just life that’s throwing the curveballs.

We had an interesting conversation this weekend. Here’s the gist of it. Keep in mind, it was spread throughout the weekend at different times (this is an example of long meaningful conversations when you have kids).

Me: “I think getting off Birth Control in March is a good plan. I don’t want to wait too long after all. Being a diabetic only gets worse with time.”
J: “hmm, why not just get off right away then.”
Me, with a shocked look on my face: “Like, right away? Like, get off BC in October?”
J: “What sun sign would that make the baby?”
Me, blinking at him rapidly: “Err, Cancer. But seriously, October?”
J: “Well, I guess you get lucky and don’t have to deal with Three Gemini males then.”
Me: “Well, I have an appointment with the OB/GYN beginning of November, isn’t that good enough?”
J: “Nope, October. Call and see if you can get it pushed up.”
Me: “Can I know your reason for this sudden rush?”
J: “Well, we’re going to have another child. Might as well get it over with.”
Me: “It just seems so sudden!”
J, smirking: “Oh no, did I mess up your careful planning honey? You did say I could decide when to try for the next one.”
Me: “Okay, if you’re sure? I’ll call the Dr.”
J: “I’m sure, call the doctor.”

So yeah, I have an appointment for October 14th to get my IUD out. Let’s see what life will give me this time.

Healing Power of Having a Baby?

2008-09-24T08:27:00.000-05:00

When I was about 26, I started having really bad stomach acid issues. I tried to live with it by taking Zantac for a while, unfortunately that didn’t help. My chest felt tight all the time and I was always uncomfortable. Then came that Friday night I went out drinking with friends. I woke up in the middle of the night stumbling toward the bathroom, completely sober. I threw up acid about 5 times that night. I gargled regularly with Listerine to get the taste out. But nothing could get rid of the burning in my throat. That Monday, I made an appointment with the doctor.

Turned out, I had a high concentration of acid in my stomach. It would get worse the more stressed out I was. At the age of 26, I got on my first daily medication for a life long condition.

When I got pregnant with Z, it’s not hard to imagine that my acid reflux went crazy. I NEEDED to be on the medication in order to function. Even though I was no longer drinking coffee or alcohol. Being pregnant just made it necessary. AND still, I was popping the TUMS regularly.

Once Z was born, I was going to switch to a different type of medication that was approved for nursing mothers. I couldn’t get the medication right away and realized that my stomach wasn’t really bothering me much. I figured I’d make sure I grabbed it soon but wouldn’t start taking it till my acid got out of control.

Sixteen months later, I am still not on any medication for my acid reflux. Granted, I don’t drink (never drank much before either) or smoke anymore (I smoked a bit before I had Z), but I do drink coffee, eat tomatoes regularly, and LOVE me some onions. So the question is, has having a baby put my put my body into synch in some way, or was my 3 or 4 cigarettes a day making that much of a difference to my stomach acid?

I mean I’m still stressed out so it can’t be the fact that I have no stress. Maybe it’s because I laugh so much now too? Maybe the smiling happy baby that gives me hugs, kisses, and snuggles off sets any stress I have now? Or maybe it’s the fact that I have to take him outside everyday and spend time in the sun?

Not sure what it is. But whatever it is, I’m happy to be off the meds for at least one thing!

In My Head

2008-09-09T09:31:00.001-05:00

So it makes me sad that I can’t blog more. I seem to have all sorts of thoughts and feelings running around in my head. Unfortunately, work has been really busy lately even though I’ve been here full time lately.

One of the major things going on in my head is the fact that I think I should get off birth control sooner then I had originally planned. I just feel like there are more reasons to not wait then there are reasons to wait at this point. That doesn’t mean tomorrow or anything crazy like that. But it could mean starting to try by the end of this year.

Anyway, I don’t have much more time right now. But hopefully I will say more soon.

Baby Hair

2008-08-06T07:25:00.000-05:00

So it seems my baby needs his first hair cut. I see the uneven bangs and the hair that curls over his ears and realize that I can’t put it off forever. But for some odd reason, this is a very hard thing for me.

Most people think I should take him to one of those baby salons and get his head buzzed. I keep hearing “It’ll grow back!” Yes, I know it will. But until it does, I don’t have the soft fine hair to rub my lips against while I put him to sleep. I look at his hair and think to myself “I saw this hair in the ultrasound 15 months ago.” Why is this haircut such a big deal to me? I really don’t understand why it makes my heart ache. The thought of his not having the messy hair that has grown so dear to me. There really is no sense in mothering sometimes.

On another note, I chopped off all of my hair. For the first time since my age was in single digits, my hair is above my shoulders.

Baby turns Toddler

2008-07-11T07:17:00.002-05:00

Each day I spend with Z, I find myself amazed. I find myself laughing all the time. Especially lately. Z is going from being a baby to being a Toddler. I'm excited and anxious about this time period. Excited because I get to see more and more of HIS personality come through. Anxious because there's so much pressure! I find myself constantly worried about his development. Not so much phyiscal development though sometimes his lack of fine motor skills does concern me.

I mean, there are all these guidelines oh what your child should know at what age. But no one tells you different ways to teach them these things. What if the one way they suggest doesn't work for your child? What if you're not doing it right? What if that's not what your child wants to learn at this point.

Jr right now, is all about walking and running. He does enjoy sitting down and reading a good book in between his circling around the living room which makes me feel a bit better. But for the most part, it's about pushing chairs around the dining room and running around as much as possible. So when is he going to learn those 3 to 5 words he should know by the time he hits 15 months?

Children Make life Better?

2008-07-09T07:56:00.001-05:00

I came across this article on the web the other day and decided this needed to be blogged about. I had actually been sent something similar to this before, while I was pregnant too. Would it have changed my mind in wanting a baby, definitely not.

What it did do, as does this one, is make me feel less guilty for not thinking that life is perfect with a baby. First of all, this post is so not about complaining about being a mother in any way. I adore my son and I adore being his mother. I’m thoroughly enjoying being a kid with him again and especially enjoy watching him interact with others. But parenting is HARD. Just like marriage is HARD. And my biggest pet peeve is no one ever tells you how it’s hard. Everyone has lists of what a wonderful thing children are. I’m going to list a few reasons why having children is hard. The scary part is, Z is only 13 months!

Z slept wonderfully his first 6 months, then everything went to hell. It’s really hard to function on lack of sleep.
I miss being able to go to a movie because I just can. I miss being able to watch a movie uninterrupted (note #1, having to pause all the time because I have a restless sleeper is a bit of a pain).
I miss spending lots of time with my kitty cat. Though I do spend time with her, it’s not a priority anymore. She’s probably just fine with things the way they are but I miss her and feel badly about the situation.
I miss being able to make an effort to look good. I tend to not have the time I’d like to have to get ready to do things. Sometimes, it’s literally throwing something on and hoping it doesn’t have odd substances in places I hadn’t noticed.
I miss gaming. OMG do I miss gaming sometimes.

Now, because I do adore my son, some of the things I love about being a parent:

Snuggling with an adorably sleepy baby.
The Family bed: Mornings when I wake up to Me, J, Z, and the kitty cat.
The things that you’re forced to do because you have a baby/child, and find you actually really enjoy them. An example is going for walks around the neighborhood and in turn, making friends.
Watching him laugh at the silliest things (I think he went through a stage where he would giggle every time I sneezed).
Watching him run toward me on unsteady feet just for a hug.
Watching the two men in my life delight in each other.
Seeing my eyes in someone else’s face and knowing that I gave it to him.

But that’s just me on a personal level. Then there’s my relationship with J. I think our issues stem more from the fact that we don’t have time for the “relationship” the way we use to. We don’t have time to share activities we use to. As he gets older, it’ll be more that we’ll disagree with small things that have to do with taking care of him and raising him.

I think your happiness in having, or not having a child, has to do with a few things. First being choice. Not everyone has one. There are quite a few parents out there that have an “Oops” child. After that, it’s what you want out of life. I had this idea of what I wanted out of life and it included a child. Yes, things change and adapt as you grow and learn. But some things don’t. I knew I wanted a family. I know I want to travel. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with J and enjoy many adventures with him.

We’re in the process of potentially buying a new home. Something we can “grow” into. Let’s see how that works out.

Scheduled Blogs

2008-07-02T07:42:00.003-05:00

The goal is to make the effort to at least blog once a week. Looking at my previous entry’s date, I’ll say starting now!

One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because of how busy I’ve been lately at work. We’re in the process of doing an enhancement to our application and the business rules are known most thoroughly by me. So I’m basically straddling two positions. Software Developer and this new acronym called SME (Subject Matter Specialist). We’ve had a trip to Chicago for this project already and are hoping to deliver by November. So things are a bit hectic and busy for me. Especially since I only work 30 hours a week. But I have to admit. I really love it. I love the challenge. I love the responsibility. I actually really love working. Ideally though, I would work closer to home. The hour commute really does a lot to piss me off. Thank God I don’t drive it.

I’ve spent a lot of my down time reading blogs. Unfortunately, no Xanga blogs because it’s blocked from here. But I’ve found a new community. The romance novel community! All these people that have this love for romance novels and blog reviews and news about upcoming books! I’m so grateful they exist!

I’ve had plenty of friends in my life. I’ve been able to share different aspects of my interests and personalities. I’ve never really had any close friends that could share my love of romance novels so completely. I’ve had friends that have read a few of my favorites. But none that I could share the love of the genre with. And now, with the new paranormal romances, my craving for fantasy has been appeased with romance novels too! Anyway, my point is I’m very grateful to all the romance bloggers out there. I feel very much less alone then I use to.

My dream come true would be a book club though. One that meets once a week or once every other week. It doesn’t even have to be limited to romance. Oh well, maybe one day.

Now, to find a few RL friends that are ex-gamers as well. Life would be complete!

Post of Updates

2008-06-19T06:59:00.001-05:00

It’s been a while. A long while since I posted. I have been feeling a bit like blogging again but I can’t say for sure that I’ll really stick around. To be honest, I’m not sure if anyone checks this site anymore anyway. Just in case though, I’ll post an update.

My son Z just turned one earlier this month. I adore him to pieces but I find that motherhood was a bit tougher then I anticipated. As of right now, I don’t know if I could handle another child. Thankfully, I don’t have to make that decision at the moment.

There have been about 4 couples that are fairly close to us that have split up (or are on their way to) in the past year. One was a “finally!” The other two were a “Really? That’s too bad since there’s kids involved.” And the last is a complete smack in the face. A couple with 3 children and have been married for 17 years. It hits me harder sometimes because things have been tough with J. We’re adjusting to life with a baby. We’re learning now to be selfish with him and each other. Or at least, I think we need to learn that. I know in my heart that it’ll pass and we’ll be fine. But sometimes, it just gets scary when you hear about other’s lives. And sometimes, I just want to make sure we try harder to make sure we get no where near the point the others are at.

I’m working and actually enjoying my current project though I’m cognizant of the fact that I do want a career I can take a bit more seriously. I don’t want it to be the primary focus of my life. But I want to be valued a bit more then I feel here. Not sure how or when I’ll pull it off with a baby though. Maybe when he gets a bit older.

We’re taking our first family “vacation” together this summer. We’re off to San Francisco for 10 days. I’m a bit concerned with how things will be traveling with a toddler. I’m also concerned that our frustration with the situation will come out with more bickering. But hopefully things will work out okay.

That’s about it for now. Hopefully I’ll have the time and the drive to post random posts. Meanwhile, I’ve been reading tons of trashy romance novels!

With Heavy Heart

2008-01-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

The holidays are a wonderful time of year. And this year more so because of the little goober being around. Yes, he’s a complete goober just like his daddy. He makes us laugh and smile everyday. Whether it’s by doing his version of “singing” or simply grabbing onto my finger while he falls asleep.

This year there’s been something that weighs heavily on my heart. A decision/action that I need to take that is ripping me up inside.

One of our cats has anxiety issues. We’ve known about it but were hoping it was just a one time thing and made constant excuses for how it wouldn’t really come back. After having baby Z, we realized we can no longer deny her problem. Her problem has to do with peeing outside the litter box when she’s stressed out. We basically had to redo the whole house in hardwood floor because of how badly she ruined our living/dining room/stair case carpet. I won’t even talk about how much that cost us. It seemed though, that she stopped after that.

Then the baby was born. We also had my parents stay with us for a month. Then we had constant visitors that wanted to come see the baby. The downstairs den smells so bad it’s unhygienic to just be in that room at this point.

We sat and talked about our plans in life. How the baby would soon be crawling and then walking. How it’s never going to really be “quiet” in our home ever again. Then there’s the fact that we might be moving soon. Not just to a new home but potentially a different city (more on this life altering event later) and may need to be in temporary housing for a while. Frankly, we can’t afford to pay for the thousands of dollars to replace carpet much less want to live in an unhygienic environment (or have our baby walk and crawl in one).

So we decided to give Mia, our kitty cat, up. I tried to find a good home for her but no one was biting. Then I called a whole bunch of no kill shelters and they’re all full. Yesterday, I felt like my heart was going to break. Then J did something wonderful. He found the contract when we first adopted them and pointed out that one of the terms was that we HAD to return cats to the same organization from which we adopted them if we can no longer talk care of them. I looked them up and the facility is a very nice one with a beautiful screened in porch for the kitty cats to play in.

Don’t get me wrong, this whole thing is still breaking my heart. I’ve had her for 5 years and this decision is one that will haunt me for a while. But at the same time, I think it’s best for everyone involved that this decision be made.

Anyway, if you’re ever interested in making a contribution to a volunteer cat adoption organization, please consider Advocats. I know they’ll be on my yearly donation list from now on.

Christina Dodd -

2007-12-20T11:23:00.001-05:00

It breaks my heart to say this but I think I'm going to have to set aside the paranormal series from Christina Dodd. I just can't get into it. The characters do nothing for me.

I ADORE her historicals so of course, I followed her toward her contemporaries. Those were entertaining but nothing I couldn't do without. I chalked it up to the fact that I'm just not very much into contemporaries (unless it's McNaught or SEP). Then this series (paranormals) came out and I tried so hard to get into it. I read the first book and was extremely disappointed. I figured I should at least try the second. I'm probably 5 chapters in and have no desire at all to read it. I think I'm going to have to give it up. I sit there trying to force myself to read those books when I've been reading amazing things about Anne Stuart and haven't read a single book by her.

Okay, I'm moving on now.

Good Intentions

2007-12-19T08:27:00.000-05:00

I had every intention of posting more consistently. Then deadlines and holidays came about...

So much to talk and think about!

Hopefully things will get better after the new year.

Hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Years!

P.S. Z is now 6 months and so sweet and adorable. I really didn't think I could love him anymore yet I find each day, I some how manage to.

For Love of Wolves

2007-11-01T12:54:00.001-05:00

So not sure how many of you realize that I adore Wolves. It all started back in High School when a good friend of mine convinced me to read Shapechangers by Jennifer Roberson. Since then, I've always felt an odd sort of connection/fascination for wolves. I mean they seem to have such depth to them. But at the same time, this depth is so tied into their instinctual animal sense. Even Native Americans considered them to be some type of spiritual guides.

J and I fell in love online originally, so though I knew many things about him, there were many things I didn't know. I had no idea that he had the same sort of fascination with wolves until I went to his apartment and saw it littered with wolf stuff too. It just added to our sense of knowing we belonged together.

The this thing that made me feel the need to talk about wolves is the fact that the romance genre is on a paranormal kick. And I seem to be going along for the ride. Two years ago I was inhaling every decent vampire novel I could find. Now, I'm kinda over vampire novels and am all about werewolf novels. With the baby and all, I barely have time to keep up with my need for historical romances. I feel like I have NO time to focus on these new authors and that saddens me. One thing about books though, they'll always be around for me to read later.

Oh, and I guess I should mention it in this post. Z's nickname actually means wolf in Hebrew too :)

Time to come back?

2007-10-23T08:10:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks, I've had many things I wanted to blog about on my mind. Then I remember that I'm taking a break from blogging.

I think what this means is I may be ready to come back. Not sure how often but I'll try to at least post once a week.

Adventures with a 4 month old.

2007-10-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Z turned 4 months last week. He's absolutely amazing to me. We already have attempts to sit up on his own as well as adorable baby babble and giggles. Yesterday, his daycare teacher told me he was pretty much holding his own bottle too.

Though I think back to his earlier days fondly, I don't really miss them. I enjoy watching him grow and seeing more and more of the type of person he's going to be. I'm sure once he gets to the point where he doesn't want his mommy hugging and kissing him all the time, I'll miss those earlier days more.

Things have been pretty wonderful lately. I have the perfect balance of work and spending time with the baby. I LOVE being able to work part time. It keeps me satisfied in all ways. The only thing I do miss is free time. I don't have much of it. But I'm sure I'll just have to get use to not having all that much anymore.

And there it goes...

2007-09-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

So I've never been one of those skinny skinny people. And for the most part, that's fine with me. There were times in my past that I let myself go so to speak and had to take some control and get rid of the excess baggage. Unfortunately, right before I got pregnant I was in one of those "letting go of myself" phases. Not drastically but I definitely had a bit more weight then I would have liked.

While pregnant, because of my gestational diabetes, I gained 30 pounds. If you ask me, that's a bit more then I really needed to (I would have been happier with 20 to 25) but the doctors didn't seem concerned at all. Within one month after having the baby I dropped 20 pounds.

Now, 3 months later, I am officially 2 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. I am not satisfied completely because I still have that lingering 10 pounds I want to get rid of. But I'm content. I've been told the cause is anywhere from nursing to running around with a baby (which can only get worse when he starts moving on his own). If it's nursing then that's going to suck since eventually I have to stop (personal health issues). If it's running around then I can hopefully look forward to losing the last ten by the time Z is one.

I <3

2007-09-06T08:09:00.000-05:00

My exasperating wonderful husband.

My beautiful little boy.

His goofy little smiles.

His silly chatter.

Laying in bed with him fast asleep on my chest.

Waking up with the two men I love every morning.

Seeing his dad in his face all the time (don't tell J I admitted to that though!)

Working and getting out of the house.

Working part time.

Awesome sales on baby clothes at the Carter's outlet store.

September (happy birthday to me!).

The Fall.

The colors of Fall.

The chill in the wind.

Planning for the holidays.

Being a mommy.

Two Months

2007-08-01T11:21:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow Z turns 2 months. He's gained almost 4 pounds from his birth weight and is filling out quite adorably.

Motherhood is a lot tougher then I thought. Breastfeeding (especially when your baby has reflux) is a lot tougher then I thought. Funny enough, no matter how overwhelmed I get, it never affects how much I adore my little baby boy.

We're doing well for the most part but blogging is just not something I have time for. Hope everyone else is doing well.

New Pictures

2007-07-18T17:09:00.001-05:00

I have new pictures up on my flickr of Z. He's growing so fast!

Busy

2007-07-05T18:26:00.001-05:00

I've been really busy lately learning how to be a mommy. I'll try to write more later!

How it Happened

2007-06-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

On Friday, June 1st, J and I went to what would be our last ultrasound. My 38 week ultrasound. The main purpose of this ultrasound was to get an idea of the fluid level in my uterus. It was one that the doctors would not think I’d even make it to since I had been on the verge of going into labor for weeks.

At the ultrasound, everything looked great except for the fluid. It was a bit low. This did not have any effect on the baby that could be seen but it was a cause for concern for the ultrasound doctors. They called my doctors to inform them of the details. My doctor then got on the phone with me to tell me to go ahead and come down to labor and delivery right now.

J and I weren’t sure what they were going to do. If they would induce me or just monitor me. We were ready for the induction but it was still kind of an odd feeling. It was happening.

When we got to L&D, we met with the new doctor in the office that was on call that weekend. She tells me they decided to go ahead and induce me while everything looked good. I was in good health and so was the baby. There was no point in waiting for something to happen before making the decision. So here I was, going to the doctor’s office every week and seeing every OB/GYN and I’m going to have my baby on the weekend where the new doctor was on call. Don’t get me wrong, she was wonderful. But she was still not one I had ever met before.

They start me on the pitocin (labor inducing hormone) and break my water. And there it began.

Now, I’m all for people’s right to choose the type of childbirth they want. I’m also human and have my opinions. I will say that being induced was tough. Especially since my natural labor kicked in. I was at the point where I was having contractions on top of each other. I totally called in for the epidural at that point.

I now understand why modern medicine is so beautiful. I was able to SLEEP through contractions. Though you don’t feel the actual pain of them, your body does react to them by exhausting you. I basically spent most of my 16 hours of labor dozing. The other times I was talking to my mom or the nurses. Josh and my mom spent the entire night trying to take naps in chairs.

What I didn’t realize fully is that even with the epidural, childbirth is work. Especially the delivery part. Apparently, the baby and I did well together. For a first time mom, delivery took about an hour and Z was born.

Unfortunately I had the shakes after the birth. I could not stop trembling. A common side effect of the hormones in your body. I held the baby for a bit but mainly it was J. It was so wonderful to see them together. J fell hard for his son and vice versa. It makes me so happy to see Z’s eyes start searching around when he hears J’s voice in the room.

Overall, the labor and delivery went smoothly and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. I was able to avoid a c-section (and the recovery time with it) and am almost back to feeling completely normal (not including lack of sleep…feeding babies is hard work).

Not sure how often I’ll have time to update but I will when I can. Thank you so much for all the well wishes. Z, J, and I are doing well and learning to become a new family together.

2007-06-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

Z was born on June 2nd at 10:21 AM. I have pictures on flickr if you're interested. If you want the URL for my flickr account, please leave a comment with some way to get in touch with you (email or blogger mail or something).

His own schedule...

2007-05-29T09:38:00.001-05:00

So he stayed nice and snug all the days I wanted him to. Now, I want him to come out and he's taking his sweet time...

Unfortunately, my body seems to have other ideas and I have no idea if this is normal.

First off, last week I got a horrible chest cold. Like, seriously horrible. It's been 10 days and I have no voice. It was embarrassing to leave a message at my OB's office this morning because I don't know if they'll be able to understand me. The call to my OB's office is because I realized that I might actually need help other then Tylenol to kick this cold. When you blow your nose and you see a bit of blood mixed in with the snot, you know that it might be something bigger then you thought. I'm not sure what my options are but I'm thinking I might be a bit on the dumb side if I didn't at least make the effort to find out.

As far as my body and the baby, that's it's own set of uncomfortable. Basically since Saturday, I've been having non stop contractions. They've gotten steadily worse as each day has gone by. At best, they feel like someone has something tied around my uterus. I feel them all the way to my back. But they are not labor. There is no consistency to them. Most of the time it just feels like it's that way permanently with bouts of more intensity (which have no consistency either). My doctor mentioned that it might be my body's way of preparing for labor. I guess I'd like to know how long I'll be expected to stay in pain while my body does this. A few more days I can handle. If they tell me it can potentially be a few weeks I'll cry. This is not discomfort. This is constant contractions.

Anyway, I have an induction set for June 11th as of now. So if he doesn't come out on his own before then (I really wanted him to come out on his own before then), it'll be a definite thing then.

My parents also arrived this Friday. They'll be staying with us for a month to help out. I actually adore having them around and am trying to get into the groove of not really worrying about entertaining them. I just feel badly because if it does take a few more weeks, they'll basically be hanging out at my house trying to pass time til the baby comes. Being impatient on my own is bad enough. Being impatient with them is even harder. And of course the contractions are making me cranky so that doesn't help much either. Thankfully my brother will be arriving on Wednesday so he can entertain them for a few days.

That's basically it with me and my frustrations. On a good note though, my blood sugar seems to be regulating. I've "heard" that as you get closer to the time, your body lets off more of the hormone that messes with your blood sugar and your body starts heading back toward normal. I've had reduce my insulin doses already a few times in the past 4 or 5 days. Hopefully closer to the time means a few days and not a few weeks :P

Labor Countdown?

2007-05-17T07:34:00.000-05:00

I had my 36th week doctor's appointment yesterday and it seems that my doctor thinks it's best that I don't work past Friday of this week at the office. Thankfully, I saw this coming and spoke to my manager. She's kindly offered to allow me to work from home for a couple of weeks until I actually have the baby.

So it seems that as of yesterday, I was already 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. I was surprised to hear about the 3 cm since 4 cm is considered active labor. My MIL was more concerned about the fact that I was 70% effaced already. Who knows how long I'll walk around like this. I wouldn't mind if the baby waited at least til next weekend (or after) so my parents will be around and J's birthday will have gone by. Damn it, I want both his parents to be 30 when he's born. I have given up on the idea of a June baby though. He'll come when he needs to come.

In case anyone is wondering, he's considered a very healthy size and my time is considered just fine. He'll be 6.5 pounds approximately by the end of this week and if he's triggering my body's readiness, he's obviously ready and waiting to pop out on his own. It's kinda cute how ecstatic my doctors are with my body's progress. Even though they decided to induce me by my due date, it's a lot more ideal for the baby and delivery as a whole if I go into labor naturally before then.

Anyway, I may have more time to update starting next week when I actually am working from home. But then again, I may not have much to say. No worries though, you'll be updated when the baby actually pops out very soon.

His Timing...

2007-05-10T08:31:00.000-05:00

So this past Friday, I just had what will probably be my last ultrasound. My little boy is already about 5.5 pounds and is considered safe to be born. At this point, he probably wouldn’t need to spend much time if any at all in NICU. He also already has a head of hair on him. I couldn’t determine how much since the pictures at this point are really fuzzy (in case anyone is curious, the best pictures are seriously at 20 weeks and then they’re just less and less clear). He made the ultrasound technician’s life a bit difficult by constantly trying to punch and kick the monitor off my belly. I don’t think he cared for the pressure much.

The only “OMG” incident which is not really an “OMG” incident is that my cervix is already a bit shorter (effaced) then expected for being 34 weeks (last week). In some ways, that’s a really good thing because that means I’ll be able to most likely avoid a c-section. The draw back to it which is not really a “bad” thing is that he can possibly come earlier then my planned 39th week induction. This might throw off plans that his grandparents had for being here as well as his father had for his “last minute” stuff. But hey, one thing this baby has not made a secret of is that he’s in a rush. He was in a rush to be conceived and he’s been measuring a week ahead at every ultrasound I have had. Enough to be ahead but not enough to concern anyone.

The one thing I am a bit concerned with is my doctor telling me to stop working earlier then planned. If he is coming early I definitely want to stop earlier. But at the same time it is money to think about. I just don’t want to be stuck at home for a long period of time only to have him take his time. But I guess that’s the beauty of childbirth. You really just have to go with the flow because you don’t have too many options.

Until then, I’ll just hang out here being a bit more uncomfortable everyday. Thankfully he’s worth it.

When does the fear go away?

2007-05-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

So I'm 34 weeks now and I'm still putting off doing the last of my shopping for the baby. Not because I'm lazy but because I'm scared. I still worry that something will happen. Then I realize that if something did, the last thing I'd be worried about is the last minute shopping that I had done. Especially considering the fact that his FURNITURE is now setup in his room.

He's already my child, why can't I just let the fear go?

Quick Update

2007-04-20T07:34:00.000-05:00

I have been so utterly busy with work, the idea of posting with any type of feeling is just beyond me right now. I did want to say some quick things though...

1. I'm having a baby in 6.5 weeks! The doctors basically confirmed they won't go past 39 weeks though as of right now, they don't plan to do anything before 39 weeks either. After this weekend I will be 33 weeks pregnant.

2. I realized I'm a lot more fragile now then I use to be when I was younger. I don't know if it's because I had so much more bravado back then and fooled myself into thinking I was more emotionally resilient then I was. But the fact of the matter is I now realize that though I may be a survivor, some things in life are capable of breaking parts of me that will never be whole again.

3. I do plan on taking pictures soon since I've been horrible about keeping up with the sheer growth of my belly. I am now screwed when it comes to my insulin shots because my belly is so tight, I have like two spots on my sides that actually have anything to pinch. In those two spots, I have to give myself 4 shots daily. Yes, I have bruises.

4. I feel guilty that I don't have a journal of the entire pregnancy. My poor child will never know what I went through from day to day. Then again, he's a boy so the question is how much will be really care?

Okay, I'll post more later hopefully. Hope everyone is doing well!

It's starting

2007-04-05T08:47:00.000-05:00

This week is my 30th week. I'm 7.5 months pregnant.

I have the swollen feet and the aching joints when I wake up in the morning to prove it...

Life has been hectic and I'm tired to the point of absolute exhaustion every evening. I need to slow down but I can't really do that yet. At least I got some much needed emotional comfort from J last night.

Worries in Pregnancy

2007-03-26T08:10:00.000-05:00

You are now 29 weeks pregnant!
(from a weekly email I get)

First half of First Trimester – “It can’t really be this easy. Something must be wrong with me because I can’t be pregnant this easily”

I literally had a nightmare that I found out I was never pregnant at all during my 7th or 8th week.

Second half of First Trimester – Gestational Diabetes. If this happens in the first trimester, this can cause miscarriage, heart problems, and limb growth issues.

First half of Second Trimester – Abnormal Quad Blood test which led to an Amnio. By far the worst experience so far in this pregnancy. Took me months to recover from it.

Second half of Second Trimester – Wow, I can really enjoy being pregnant

First half of Third Trimester – Petrified of pre-term labor. Horrified that something I might do can cause it. Did you know that being short is considered one of the factors that can contribute to pre-term labor? I never had a problem being 5’1 until now…

Second half of Third Trimester – I’m so hoping that the only worry I’ll have here is labor/delivery itself. I do believe that worry is bad enough.

And they tell me it gets worse once they're born...

Daddy to be

2007-03-14T08:21:00.000-05:00

So for the past few months, J has been working the night shift. It’s not as bad as some might think. He basically leaves the house an hour or two before I go to bed. He comes home in time to wake me up in the morning, stays up for an hour or two and then heads to bed himself. In the evening when I get home, I’m normally exhausted as it is. I snuggle into bed with a nice warm sleepy body and take a nap for an hour or so. Then we wake up together. The only tough part is weekends. Most of the time we work with each other’s shift in schedule. I’ll stay up later and he’ll sleep earlier so we can manage to go to bed together. All in all, we make it work.

Something every mother goes through I think, is the feeling that there’s no way the father can really understand the depth of feeling you can have for your unborn child. How, especially with the first movement, he’s already your baby and your child. Not some elusive dream to look forward to. You cradle him so deeply and tightly inside your womb. Your hand goes to the bulge in your middle because that’s the only way you can give affection back after he’s wiggled around for a bit. You’re conscious of the fact that every time you talk, he’s listening to you. Every time you sing, he’s soothed by you. You literally have fantasies about his birth and holding him closely to your chest. You want to caress his soft head with your lips.

Personally, I feel badly that I can’t share more of it with J. He’s such a loving heart. You should see how pathetic he is over our cats even. They literally beg him to carry them (and if you know cats, that’s not very common). It’s so easy for me to see him in my mind’s eye holding our baby. He’s not going to be scared of holding him, even as a newborn. In fact, he’ll love holding him. And the baby will love to be held by his Daddy’s strong arms. J has a personality that surrounds you in comfort and calm. The baby won’t be able to help but respond to that. But though I know this about J and the baby. Though I can feel it deep inside. It makes me sad to think he can’t see it yet. He can’t “feel” it yet.

Yesterday, I came home from work and fell fast asleep in minutes. I’m getting my butt kicked by daylight savings. Even the baby seemed lazy yesterday. He moved around a bit but there wasn’t nearly the acrobatics he normally does. During wake up time, Josh and I lay in bed and talked about our respective day/night. I told him how the baby has been lazy all day. He curled around me with his hand on my belly tapping it and saying “Wake up in there sleepyhead.” All of a sudden, there was a kick. Then another. Hard kicks. I asked J, “did you feel that?” He’s replied, “How could I not, he was kicking my hand!” Just the look on his face. The tone of his voice. Not only did he get to feel a kick, but his son responded to him for the very first time.

I’ve said this before and I really do mean it. As excited as I am to be a mother, I’m just as excited to see J become a father.

Mr. Wiggles

2007-02-27T14:38:00.003-05:00

So having not seen an ultrasound in about 4 weeks, I think the baby has officially “turned”. I feel the thumping of kicks much farther up on my huge abdomen. But this does not explain all the other things I feel lower still. I swear the baby must be performing the “wave” on a regular basis. I’m constantly feeling wiggles at all hours of the day. Hence, the new nickname.

I figured since I basically already posted the traumatic experience I went through, I should go ahead and tell everyone about the other thing I have to go through. About 8 weeks into the pregnancy I found out I had Gestational Diabetes. Now most of you who have been pregnant before are probably wondering how the heck I found out that early considering most women don’t test till about 24 weeks. I was told that because of my genetics and my numbers before I got pregnant, that I was at a high risk of having gestational diabetes. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I asked the doctors to check this out. Thank God I did too. Since then, I’ve been pushed into the high risk category and all the doctors and receptionists know me very very well. My genetics are too bad for diet so they tried approved drugs. They didn’t like the erratic behavior so now I’m on insulin. Yes, I poke myself with a needle 4 times a day. Oh, but that’s not enough! I also have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day. Hi, my new name is “pin cushion”.

On the positive side though, because I have such a strict diet, I don’t eat like a pig. This also means I haven’t gained all that much weight. Hopefully it stays like this and I’ll be able to lose it fast once the baby is born. Annoyingly enough, I’m already getting lectures about “losing the baby fat” ASAP (and no, not from J at all). Another positive thing is I get ultrasounds every 4 weeks. It’s more because they need to measure the baby regularly. But it’s still a cool benefit for me. I get to say hi to him more regularly then most people.

I’ll probably post a bit more about my Florida vacation after a while. Having just gotten back, I have quite a few things that need to be done at work first.

Relief

2007-02-16T08:54:00.000-05:00

In light of the weather we've had around this area, I'm very happy to say this...

Off to Florida! See you in a week!

Long and Heavy

2007-02-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

During the beginning of your second trimester, there is a blood test done on the mother that helps to measure hormone levels. It seems that these hormone levels can give a good indication of any issues that the baby might have. This is a pretty standard test though you can choose to not have it. Normally, if there is a false reading of any type, the next step would be an Amniocentesis.

Amniocentesis is scary. It has a 1 in 200 chance of causing a miscarriage. And as you know, anything that you do voluntarily that can cause a miscarriage is scary. It’s one of those tough decisions that you have to make and determine if the benefits of knowing the results of this test out weigh the risks involved. What a horrible decision to make.

The day I got the call from my doctor where she suggested, as gently as possible, that I get this test done, I was heart broken. Like literally I felt like my heart was breaking in half. I felt that hard pressing feeling in my stomach and I wanted nothing more then to go home so I could cry in peace (I was at work). I called my parents and told them about these test results and then snuggled in J’s lap and cried my heart out. I needed it. I needed to let it all out while he held on to me and hugged me. I think back on it and am so grateful that he was there to be the strong one. I feel badly that I couldn’t sit there and help him through it at all. I just couldn’t. I was too busy with my own misery. Even now, after 3 weeks which feel like a lifetime, my eyes still tear up thinking about it.

The risk wasn’t anything as common, and in J’s words, as “livable” as Down syndrome. It was the fear of a chromosome abnormality that ends in a fatality. Whether it’s in the womb or a couple of months after birth. Nothing can be done. It’s called Trisomy 18. Basically, we sat there as the doctor told us that I have a 1 in 27 chance (normal women my age have a 1 in 2400 chance) of having a baby with this condition and I would have to make “decisions” ASAP and therefore needed an Amnio. After that visit, I was completely numb. We made the decision to have the Amino and were able to schedule one for the next day. At that point, all I could do was be happy I didn’t have too long to think about it before having the procedure.

We wake up the next morning and J tries to tease me about something. I just look at him and say “not today hon.” I had stopped thinking of the Trisomy 18 at this point and started focusing on the Amnio. They were going to be sticking a needle in my uterus after all. From what I had read, they give you something to numb that part of your body. But I was more worried I would do something stupid in my nervousness. How can you not be nervous? There was one thing to look forward to though. Before the Amino we would get a sonogram of our baby. The first we’d have. Also, the sonogram would be a good indication of how much of a risk the baby was to have Trisomy 18 since it was a condition that was normally obvious on the sonogram.

We get there and not surprisingly, have to go through paperwork and waiting time galore. First we meet with someone called a Genetics Counselor. She goes over the actual procedure with us and tells us risks and problems with Trisomy 18. She was pleasantly surprised at how informed we were. Apparently, my doctor’s office is extremely caring and did more then most doctors do in explaining this condition to us in detail. She then gives me the news that there will be no numbing of the area the needle goes in. That the procedure itself is very fast but I would feel it all. The gravity of the “relaxing” I must do afterwards is greater then I thought. For 48 hours I must not strain myself too much nor must I carry anything over 10 pounds. J looks at me and jokingly says “I guess I’ll be carrying your purse out.” Cramping and discomfort are normal, but taking a Tylenol will help deal with it. Only concerns I will really need to have is major bleeding and major leaking of amniotic fluid.

We get to the room and I sit there staring up at the ceiling and notice dots on the ceiling tiles. J points out to me how this is perfect for me. I can count the dots on the ceiling in order to relax. I need to say this once again. I’m blessed to have him with me. He understands me in ways I never really thought he did. He accepts me and gives me what I need in ways I didn’t think I’d need. He was my rock. The nurse came in for the sonogram and to be honest, that’s when I got my first truly emotional happy moment in my life. There he was. My little baby. He was so good in that sonogram. He stretched out and showed us all his fingers. He turned over about 10 times through the whole thing giving us many many different angles. They could not find a single marker that indicated he had Trisomy 18. Everything looked beautifully normal.

The doctor then came in for the procedure and joked around some and the baby not sitting still and how I was going to have my hands full. Then he told me to make sure I was breathing normally through the whole thing. Not too deeply because my diaphragm would move too much and not hold my breath because that would tighten my muscles. I looked at J in panic. This was so much. What if I hurt my little baby boy (we had found out for sure by this time)? What if I moved by mistake or flinched too hard?

The procedure took exactly 25 seconds. I know because instead of counting dots, I counted the time the needle was in me. J was with me through the whole thing. And I don’t mean he was there. He was “with me”. With one hand he held my hand tightly. With the other he lovingly stroked my arm that was over my head through the procedure. He did everything he could to make sure I was comfortable and relaxed. I didn’t watch and I don’t know if he did. I didn’t think to ask. But I don’t know if I could have been any more comforted then I was by him and exactly what he did.

I did have some cramping right after that. It hurt to even pee. But it wasn’t too bad. I never needed to even take the Tylenol. As everyone can probably guess by this point, the results came back just fine. My baby is a considered a “normal baby boy” and there are no chromosome abnormalities to worry about in any way.

I wasn’t planning to write about this. It was too horrible when it first happened and the days we were waiting were positive, but still too scary. Once I got the results I realized I needed to write about it. I needed to make sure I wrote down into words the true horror of my fears for the true depth of my happiness to be understood. When I first told my mom about the results of the blood test, she was like “He’s just trying to scare you. Everything will be okay.” And my response to her was “If scaring is all it is, then I’ll thank God and the universe in general and be grateful that I have a healthy baby boy.” The horror is nothing compared to the gratitude I feel with the universe at this point. My baby is okay and he’s making his presence felt everyday. To me, those little prods and kicks are his way of saying “see, I’m okay.” They’re an affirmation of life. In the end, that is the most important thing.

An Update

2007-01-30T10:50:00.000-05:00

So I’m trying to be better about updating some what regularly. It’s a bit challenging when I keep getting distracted.

Baby Update

He’s swimming around like a little fish. When I first started noticing obvious movement, it was like he was incapable of sitting still. It’s since slowed down a bit. I mean he moves and I still feel it regularly, but I also don’t get uncomfortable with how much and often he’s moving. My abdomen feels like it’s being stretched constantly and at the end of the day, it gets a bit uncomfortable being in my skin (so to speak). This scares me a bit when I realize that I’m barely a bit more then half way through.

Life Update

Next month, a few days after Valentine’s Day, I go to Florida to visit with my parents and have a bit of a mini vacation. I can’t tell you how excited I am. My best friend is also throwing me a baby shower which I’m really looking forward to! I never did have a Bridal shower since I live so far away from close friends and family. J and I also get to take a mini vacation while we’re there. We’re planning to head to Epcot and Universal during the week as well. I’m a bit concerned about getting tired easily but I’ll be sure to sit a lot. Once we get back, based on the stuff we get from the baby shower, we’ll start really getting into nursery and baby shopping.

So I’m nearing the end of my second trimester (not sure if it’s 24 weeks or 26 weeks officially, but I’m at 21 this week), and it’s a bit scary. I have 4 months or less before the baby arrives. To be honest, I haven’t thought deeply yet about actually being a mother. Right now, I can’t really think past wanting to just hold my little boy and cuddle with him. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. Maybe it’s what happens when we get so scared of losing something. You realize that many of the things that are normally stressful become less so when faced with the health and well being of your child.

An Update

2007-01-16T14:53:00.000-05:00

This post will probably have quite a few digressions. I’m kind of just writing in whatever direction my thoughts take me.

So some people may consider me to be at the half way point by the end of this week. I’m in my 19th week and the baby is considered full term by 38 weeks (due date is normally on the 40th week). On a pessimistic note, the next 19 weeks are going to be SOOOO much longer. Keep in mind the first 5 weeks you don’t even know you’re in that state. Then you go through a few weeks of euphoria (unless you get morning sickness and in that case, it sucks to be you). At that point, reality started kicking in for me. It’s like my mother in law tells me, “everything has to be dramatic with you.” Funny enough, it’s something my mom would say to me. Hell, it’s something my husband says to me! This child has already given me so many grays that I’m seriously considering stopping at one. I’ve always had mild anxiety issues but I’m surprised that my health hasn’t suffered with how much this child is already causing. I’m also eternally grateful since my health issues turn into the child’s.

I’ve never been one to get emotional at big events. I feel things. I feel them deeply. But I tend to be matter of fact about many things as well while they’re happening. Like my wedding was fun and cool, not emotional to me at all. My marriage is, but my wedding wasn’t. It was just too much fun. But to this day I look at J and think “Wow, I’m actually his wife.” On Friday, we had our first Sonogram. Now I’ve heard many things about the 12 week Sonogram (that we didn’t have) and it seems to me that it would be kind of blah. I mean you see the heartbeat and a bit here and there, but not in much detail. I feel like this one allowed me to get to know my future child. The scratching his head and stretching his hands and fingers above his head. The burrowing deeper into me while the sonogram was pressing on him. Then of course there was the banging of his head against my bladder. In general, the experience was moving. It makes me smile and laugh even a few days later to think about it. He’s in there and he’s happily swimming around not knowing or caring about anything else. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, you read me right. I did say “He”.

So next weekend, my mom is coming out for the weekend to see me and spend some time with me. To be honest, she’s coming to give me a hug because I really need a mommy hug. I’m not ashamed to admit that my mommy means the world to me and even being married and 30 years old, I NEED her. I don’t really feel like going into detail but it’s been an emotionally tiring pregnancy already. Physically, I feel great aside from aches and pains (I call those growing pains since my abdomen is reaching retarded proportions already). Rest assured I have an awesome husband and family to help me through each trial. My husband is so great he actually called my mom and told her I needed her and if she could maybe fly down for a weekend. I don’t know what touches me more, that he made the effort to ask my mom for something (even if it was for me) or that he understands how much my mom’s presence means to me. He doesn’t know I know he did that but yeah, it warms my heart that he cares and worries so much too.
I’d like to apologize again for people that come by here regularly to see no update. I’ve just really been busy and had A LOT on my mind that I really wasn’t ready to talk about. Hope everyone else had a wonderful Holiday!

Tarzan

2006-12-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

J and I went to see Tarzan on broadway this weekend. What can I say, we're goof balls that love Disney. Ten minutes in they sang the song "You'll be in my heart." You better believe I cried like a little baby while J held my hand tightly.

Yes, I did have my other hand on my belly.

End of Week 12

2006-12-02T23:52:00.000-05:00

We heard a heartbeat. I'm still scared, but I feel like I can breath again.

Not up for it.

2006-11-08T11:42:00.000-05:00

Before I got pregnant, my greatest fear was not getting pregnant. I find that this fear can’t hold a candle to the fear and anxiety of actually being pregnant and hoping nothing goes wrong.

Before I got pregnant, I use to think I would log every aspect of my pregnancy. If not through blogging then at least some other method. Now I find that talking about my fears just feeds them and that’s one thing I really don’t need.

I apologize if people were looking forward to a pregnancy blog with all the updates on every little aspect of my time. I just can’t do it. Maybe it’ll change and maybe it won’t. As of right now, I just need to get through this with as little thinking as possible.

Uneventful Exhaustion

2006-10-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

So the giddy excitement is calming and that has brought on the exhaustion. I just want to sleep a lot. I can take a two hour nap and still go to bed by 10pm. It’s a great thing J is on the same schedule as me and makes me turn the lights out by then anyway.

Everyone tells me that it’ll go by fast. That I’ll be popping out and being “pregnant” before I know it. But the truth is right now it’s pretty uneventful. The exhaustion and the bloating belly is the only thing I really have right now. Granted, I’ve started to buy maternity clothes (thanks to the bloating belly) but it’s not like I look like I’m pregnant or anything yet. Because of that, there’s not much to report. Nothing else is going on in my head since this is big enough to keep my mind occupied for the most part. So in turn, I have nothing to update or blog about.

One of the things I do think about is how J is going to react the first time he hears the heartbeat. In so many ways, I feel almost sorry for him. This is his child just as much as it is mine. And though I don’t feel tons, I feel something. To him, it’s just an elusive thought. To him, it’s a responsibility right now still. I can’t wait to share this baby with him more. I can’t wait to watch and see him realize that this is really a part of him already.

When someone asked me how I knew, besides loving him, that he was the man I should marry. I tell them I knew what a great father he would be and knew that I had to make sure to hold on. There’s this peaceful and patient quality to his personality. What’s odd is that it doesn’t make him any less happy and fun. In fact, it feeds into it. I know at times he’s skeptical of my belief in his parenting abilities. But it’s there. I think anyone that spends any amount of time with him can see it. And no matter how good a mother I think I might be able to be (and let’s be honest, I would never have tried to have kids if I didn’t think I could be a good enough mother), I honestly think he might actually be a better father.

Further along

2006-10-17T09:44:00.002-05:00

Though it was a formality, the blood tests did come back positive reading that I was 5 weeks pregnant last week. That puts me at 6 weeks right now and still no morning sickness. Can I tell you how happy that makes me? I even read somewhere that if you haven’t started suffering morning sickness by the 6th week, chances are you’ll get away with never having it. I did have some pretty bad back pain toward the end of last week but it seems to have subsided. I mean, I get twinges but nothing as bad as what I was suffering on Thursday night.

Unfortunately, I have grown out of most of my pants. I bought my first pair of maternity pants last night (I wasn’t going to spend money on pants one size bigger that I would grow out of in 2 weeks) and it felt very odd. See, if work only allowed me to wear sweat pants, this wouldn’t be an issue.

I finally found an OB/GYN and made two appointments. One with a Nurse Practitioner to get all the stuff and info I need. Second with a doctor between my 8th and 10th week. I believe that will be the physical examination and all that jazz.

Emotionally, I’m doing okay. I’ve read that in some cases, pregnancy actually makes women very energetic rather then fatigued. Yes, it seems like I’m one of those. I think I have more energy now then I did before I got pregnant. And this is with no caffeine at all. I do have some trouble sleeping because of my allergies and congestion which is made worse by the fact that I’m not taking any meds. But surprisingly, I feel great. My fears are still there but only rear their ugly heads only once in a while. I keep on trying to be positive and hold on to the good feelings.

So now, the debate is over the sex. We have 4 months till we find out but the debate is on. Right now, the only people involved are sisters and mothers. I’m seriously thinking I might start taking bets. I’m leaning toward a boy based on my mom’s experiences early in her pregnancies. Apparently, my brother’s pregnancy was a breeze for her. Mine not so much. I also found out yesterday that both Josh’s mom and his sister have similar experiences when they compare their first/boy pregnancies to their second/daughter pregnancies.

The clincher is the Chinese Gender chart. According to that, it’s a boy. And EVERYONE knows that the Chinese Gender Chart is foolproof :P

Comments

2006-10-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

I apologize for my slowness in figuring out how to allow comments from non-registered users. But finally, I've figured it out!

Comment away :)

Backaches and their causes.

2006-10-11T09:49:00.000-05:00

I must have gone through 2 weeks of PMS. The entire time cursing the fact that Birth Control Pills mess with you so much. I went through hot flashes and the works. Then, this weekend was supposed to have been the week I got my period. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it. I mean it would be very unusual if I became regular all of a sudden. I knew what to do though. Sometime this week I would take a pregnancy test as a precaution and move on calmly waiting for my period. Except things weren’t quite calm. On Saturday I started getting really bad backaches. Stress related backaches. The kind where I wanted to cry. I had no idea what was going on. I mean I was stressed but why? What was bugging me? Then it hit me. Maybe I just needed to take the pregnancy test sooner and get it out of the way. Maybe much of the tension would leave me then.

Sunday evening comes around, no period still. I decide to go ahead and take a test. J lays down to take a nap since he has to work the night shift. I turn the shower on and take the test while I wait for the water to heat up. About 3 seconds after peeing on the stick, the line starts to appear. No, not the control like. THE line starts to appear. I stare at it in shock. I run outside to tell J that we have a slight problem. Yes, I woke him up. I explain to him that it seems I might be pregnant. The first question out of his mouth will go down in history and be told to everyone. He looks at me dumb founded and says “How do you know?” Um, yeah…so I give the obvious answer and say “The stick in the bathroom told me so!”

Two hours and two more tests later, I’m still shaking while J is still hiding beneath the covers pretending to sleep. I described it in a pervious post I made, “happily terrified”. That’s exactly how I felt. I came downstairs to sit for a bit and figured J needed some alone time too. I was petrified. I didn’t know what to think. I was so scared I would find out that it was a false positive. I was so scared that tomorrow I’d get my period and know that it was over. It was never meant to be. I was so scared of being happy. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be this simple.

That night, J didn’t go to work and instead we sat there and thought about the future. I had to alternate between calming my fears and calming his fears. His concerns are the future and financial. My concerns are about getting through the first trimester. That night we realized that for now, this is what our roles would be. Though this does not stop him from lecturing me about getting enough sleep nor does this stop me from going on about saving up money and such.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and she explained that these home tests do not give false positives, only false negatives. She told me it was safe to be excited and it was safe to start planning. We will go through the formality of a blood test to determine the amount of the pregnancy hormone I have in my body which will help indicate what the exact time of conception was. But I think I already know.

I’m still terrified that something will go wrong. And I may end up being right. But I do have to accept that something did go right as well. And if that’s all I get to be happy about, you better believe I’ll find a way to be happy about it.

For those that know me outside of the blog (i.e. WoW), please keep this news to yourself for now? J and I haven’t decided when we’d like to share it with all of our friends. And for anyone that I know in RL, I’m so sorry I haven’t had the chance to tell you personally before you read it here. Things have just been a bit crazy.

Allergy Shots

2006-10-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

I started doing some research about allergy shots and came across this passage:

"Immunotherapy may be especially effective if you're allergic to cat dander, dust mites or pollen produced by trees, grass and weeds. In children, immunotherapy may help prevent the development of asthma."

From the Mayo Clinic

Reading this made me want to cry. Especially considering the doctor told me that if I had started allergy shots 10 years ago, I may have been able to prevent ever getting asthma.

History for anyone that doesn't already know...I acquired Asthma 4 years ago after I moved to DC one spring morning when I was suffering from my hay fever symptoms. In all the years that I've been on an inhaler, never once did my pulmoniary doctor suggest going to an allergy specialist. I guess he wouldn't make as much money if I had no need to see him.

If you know anyone that has themselves, or has children that have allergies. Strongly emphasize the importance of seeing an allergy specialist early.

Update - 9/29

2006-09-29T13:54:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling a tad bit overwhelmed. I’ve been wanting to write for a bit but either I was busy or not in the mood to write. Unfortunately, I put it off for so long that I feel like everything I was thinking belongs in like 3 or 4 different posts.

Anyway, I’ll dive in with an update. The self reflective posts may have to wait for another day which means I may no longer be inspired by then.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve been off birth control and I already feel a difference. I feel a bit less on edge emotionally then I use to. I feel a bit more comfortable then I use to. I’ve had other changes as well that coincided with getting off birth control, but I think I’m reacting to them better because I’m off. I’ve also started my belly dancing classes and signed up for my gym. Yesterday I even went to a step aerobics class. My god, I have such a long way to go before I get into shape. Though I’m still recovering from a mild case of Bronchitis, I didn’t want to let that affect my need to actually get up off my butt and do something. I figure I’ll go at working out more slowly, but I won’t quit it.

I had a happy sign this month. A few weeks after my period I had a slight pinching feeling on the left side of my lower abdomen. Basically, I was ovulating. It was something called Mittelshmerz and I have felt it before. Even while I was on birth control. That doesn’t mean I’m completely normal or that I’ll even get my period (though I am PMSing). But it does mean that at least I don’t have to stress about not ovulating. For a bit, I was happily terrified that I was pregnant since my PMS symptoms were accompanied by constipation (sorry about being so personal). But then I realized that constipation is probably due to the fact that I’m now on pre-natal vitamins to prepare my body. Regardless, I have a 3 pack of pregnancy tests sitting in my cabinet to take for missed periods and such. The only thing I’m doing that might be not such a great idea while pregnant is drinking a cup of coffee a day.

On topic with my health, I also went for some allergy testing earlier this week. So apparently, I’m allergic to EVERYTHING but dogs and food. Um, yeah. Thankfully, my doctor was nice and didn’t do what my other doctor had done by telling me to get rid of my cats. He strongly suggested I start getting allergy shots right away. I explained my concerns about the fact that I would be trying for a child soon. He then told me something that completely made my day. He told me that allergy shots were completely safe for pregnant and nursing women since it uses natural botanicals and builds my immunity to them. He told me that medicine could only maintain allergy symptoms. Allergy shots were going to help me either eliminate or at least alleviate my reactions to things. His greatest concern was my asthma. He wants to do something to get rid of it and my dependency on my inhaled steroid. It would be a pain at first. We’re talking about two shots or so a week at the beginning. But eventually, I would become more and more resistant. Of course, the process lasts 3 to 5 years. J was very very happy to hear about this possibility. He’s concerned not so much about how much I might whine for the next 5 years but how I’ll feel after that for the rest of my life. By the way, did I mention J is the one that put his foot down and told me to see an allergist ASAP? Yes, he’s very happy with himself at this moment. I guess that’s okay because I’m pretty happy with him myself too.

Okay, so there’s my update and I’ll have to do my self reflection posts at another time. Maybe this afternoon if I end up getting a chance.

Bursting

2006-09-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Oh My God!

I've had so many things running around in my brain and I'm bursting to post...and of course now I'm busy with work :/

Okay, back to work now.

All Over the Place

2006-09-13T11:31:00.000-05:00

So things have slowed down at work and I’m able to actually think about something to post. I do this while listening to Alanis Moreissette who always takes me into a self reflective state of mind. It’s funny how many people consider her “angry” when her songs, for the most part, aren’t at all. It really bugs me when people take one aspect of her that became popular and identify her that way. Because of this, they lump anyone that appreciates her music into the “angry” woman category.

My parents come to visit this weekend. I’m really looking forward to seeing them! It’s been almost a year! It just happened that anytime we were ready to come visit, they were traveling. Then we got to the point where we just ran out of vacation time because of our trip to Europe and couldn’t get enough time off.

I decided to quit the gym I was part of. I realized that maybe the gym is the reason I’ve been slacking off even more. I just don’t really get excited going there. It’s “only” functional. Plus, I think it’s time for me to do something slightly different. And I just didn’t feel comfortable taking any type of class there.

I’m going to try a different gym that is smaller and actually costs more, but it’s a lot cuter and much cozier. I already signed up to go to Belly Dancing Classes every Saturday morning. I’ve taken Belly Dancing before and loved it. I had muscles ache in places where I thought I only had bone. But it was great! I miss dancing but I’m just not up for going “clubbing” anymore. I guess I’m just getting old. Plus, I married a white boy that is so not into “dancing”. It really is a good thing he’s so cute.

As far as anxiety levels, I feel them going down. I’m definitely sure it’s mental but I don’t know if it’s because I’ve stopped worrying about being 30 and getting off birth control pills, or the relief of getting my body off birth control pills. I’m a bit excited actually. I want to get to know who I am without artificially having hormones in my body. I know it sounds silly, but it’s true. I just remember being so different when I was in high school. Not totally in a good way but there were aspects of me that I tend to miss too. Now, 12 years later, I’ve had natural changes in my body chemistry and personality. I want to know who I am now. I guess it’s one of the reasons I’m not overly eager about getting pregnant right away. I wouldn’t mind giving myself at least a handful of months to just be.

Time to head out and grab some lunch. Hope everyone else is doing well!

Update - 9/7

2006-09-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

I haven’t really been able to update in a while and if you’re one of those people that come here regularly, I apologize. I haven’t really been comfortable this month and therefore, couldn’t bring myself to actually verbalize much.

A quick update:

I am now officially off birth control pill and let me say that I am very very pleased about this. Not because I’m in a rush to start a family either. Ever since I started tri-phasic BCP (3 different hormone dosages) I’ve been pretty much a wreck. I spent my birthday sobbing into the phone while J assured me I was normal and wasn’t going crazy. I cried as if my heart was breaking but it wasn’t. It was horrible. I could not calm myself at all. I know J tends to get a bit impatient with me when I’m overly emotional (primarily due to the hormones) and I really don’t blame him. I get impatient with myself and he’s had to deal with this, on and off, for the past 2 years. But this Monday (my birthday) really affected him. I wasn’t being overly emotional. I just had absolutely NO control and it hit him really hard. He called me every hour after that to make sure I was okay. Thankfully, it’s over for now. I’m not going to say I’ll never get back on birth control again, but it definitely won’t be the first choice.

My trip to the OB/GYN went really badly. It was the first time I actually had issues with the way the doctor was. It wasn’t that she was a bad doctor. It was that she definitely wasn’t the calming influence that I need through this. I love my Primary Care Doctor so I’m going to go to her in a few weeks and get a referral to an OB/GYN in my area. I think I’ll just stay away from OB/GYN’s unless my doctor really thinks I need to see one.

I have plenty of other thoughts going on in my head, but I think I’ll leave them for another post.

Preparation

2006-08-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

I’ve been slowly making changes to my lifestyle to prepare me for what’s to come. There’s an extra 5 to 10 pounds that I need to lose as well as to get into better physical shape in general. Unfortunately my great plans for working out aren’t really panning out due to retarded things called allergies and asthma. I feel like I’m hitting a wall and will need to resort to something I wanted to avoid. This being a “Diet”. Though I had quite a bit of success with the South Beach Diet, I don’t really want to go back to it. There were things that bugged me about that diet and things that I was okay with. I was thinking of taking some of the things I learned from that diet and creating my own. Hopefully it will work. I’m also really really hoping that getting off BCP will make a difference in how well I can work getting into shape as well.

Another change I’m making is caffeine. Now, I don’t think I drink it excessively. But it’s not abnormal for me to have at least 40 to 50 ounces of some type of caffeinated drink per day. Though it’s not all at once, that’s still quite a bit of caffeine. Especially considering the recommended amount for someone trying to get pregnant is like 8 to 16 ounces a day. So I’m trying. Unfortunately, I had also hoped to be into shape well enough that I would be able to cut down more easily since I’d be working out regularly.

Tomorrow is my visit to the OB/GYN for a pre-conception consult. I guess I want to know the facts as they pertain to me. I know that I’ll be put on pre-natal vitamins right away. But I also wanted to know how things will work out considering my history of abnormal periods. Not to mention how the prescription meds I’m on will affect things.

On one hand, I don’t want to be so involved with planning things. I’m worried I’ll stress over it and want it too much. On the other, I don’t want to be ill prepared either. I do have a feeling I’ll be stocking up on home pregnancies tests. With how abnormal I had been and probably will be, I’m sure I’ll want to make sure of things.

I Tried

2006-08-16T08:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm seriously not into writing these days. I just don't have the necessary drive. I don't know quite what to think or say from one day to the next.

You know how you can look back at certain ages in your life and see how you've evolved? How you've become the person you are today? Sometimes you can feel yourself going through the transition and sometimes it's just there.

I've been feeling restless with myself. It's not quite unhappy but it's not quite happy. I have no clue if it's because of external factors or just a need to evolve again. Unfortunately, evolving now is different then it has been in the past. I have J now. I've evolved with him but it's been more into a person that learns to live happily in a relationship. Right now, I'm feeling the need to have an evolution about me. The problem is, I don't quite know how to go about it.

Anyway, I apologize if I'm not making sense to anyone. The truth is, I'm not making much sense to me either. I just wanted to post something explaining that I probably won't update as much as I had hoped I would. I'm just much more interested in reading then writing anything at all right now.

A Little History

2006-08-10T11:06:00.000-05:00

I’ve been putting off writing this bit of history for a while now. Some of it is lack of time and some is just fear of being unable to verbalize it. But, I’m going to try.

In March 1994, my period did not arrive as expected. I was 17 years old. I had been pretty consistent since I first got my period. It came every 30ish days and once every few months, it would come at 45 days. Compared to others I knew, it was ideal. Lasted like 3 or 4 days with no cramps. Maybe some backaches and maybe an upset tummy. But that was the extent of my symptoms. I was just like my mother in that sense. Same amount of days, same types of PMS symptoms, even a similar age when we first got it.

At first, when I missed a few months, I didn’t think to worry. I would just make sure I tested myself and let it go. By the time July/August came around, I started worrying. I went to the doctor and they gave me Provera to induce a period. It was like spotting for two days and gone. I was to leave for college in September so I wasn’t very worried. I thought it might have been stress from graduation and college even. September moves into October and so on. When I went home in December, I realized something was really wrong with me. Since March, the only sign of a period I had was induced. I went to the doctor again. I had tons of tests done. Regular tests as well as hormonal level testing. I’ll never forget what the doctor told me that day. She told me that all my levels were normal, that something in my brain was not triggering ovulation for some reason. To this day, those words scare the shit out of me. After all, if you don’t ovulate, how will you ever get pregnant?

It’s been almost 12 years since then. That January is when I got on birth control pills for the first time to “regulate” myself. Over the years, so much has happened. So many tests done. So many times I tried to get off the pill to see if my period would come back all of a sudden. So many pills changed (and of course, weight gained because of them). Anytime I would ask the doctors if it would be difficult for me to get pregnant with my ovulation issues, I would get the same response, “We won’t know until you’re ready to try.”

The last time I tried the whole “get off the pill and wait for my period” was a bit different. I think it was back in 2001 if I recall right. I got off the pill and waited. I waited to see if it would be different this time. About two months went by. Then, for the first time in 7 years, I saw spotting. I saw spotting that was not “induced” at all. No birth control, no Provera. Just me. I did end up back on birth control to, once again, regulate myself. But I had a bit more hope.

So yesterday I bought my last pack of birth control pills. I feel like I’m walking an on emotional razor’s edge. 12 years is a lot of time to have deep seated fears. Then of course there’s the fear that you get from maturity. Knowing how much a child can change you and your life. There’s the fear born of selfishness. There’s the fear born of insecurity at being a good parent. For the past few years I thought the fear of not being able to have a child had abated quite a bit. And yes, it definitely is not as crippling as it had once been. But it’s a bit bigger then I realized. It’s bigger today then it was yesterday. It’s bigger since I’ve now attempted to verbalize it. Ah, this is why I had been putting this post off…

Anxiety over the Big Event

2006-08-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

So it’s getting closer and closer. The Big Event that has been planned for the other Big Event. A while back I felt like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. Not that I really know if I’m capable of having one. I just felt…very very anxious? Somehow, I calmed down and was able to relax a bit.

Yesterday, I was suffering. Initially it was physically. The dreaded PMS. I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to do with my changing in birth control since I’ve never really had this issue before. Then, I sit there and realize that after next week, I will officially be on my last pack. In my bitterness at my PMSing I consider just not getting on my last pack. Sadly enough, the more I think about it the more I like the idea. Of course, poor J almost started crying when I told him I was thinking of that. I think he just really wants to hold on to his last month of not stressing.

The day got worse. The weather here has been really bad and asthma has been acting up. This made me start thinking about the fact that I have so many health issues, maybe I shouldn’t have a baby? Maybe it would be irresponsible and unfair of me to bring a baby into this world having allergies, a deviated septum, asthma, and acid reflux. Maybe my medications will have major side affects? So I call my mom and my best friend and tell them about my fears and they both tell me to stop being silly and things will work out fine. None of the doctors have ever told me I had anything to be concerned about except my asthma doctor who emphasized my need to stay on my inhaler even while pregnant. So I start to feel a bit better. Then I call J to tell him my insecurities and he’s like “I don’t know, just ask the doctor if you should get pregnant?” Um, the one person in the world who’s opinion matters the most in this and he says that… (keep in mind, I’m PMSing so my reaction to things are over the top as it is.)

I guess now that I’ve started this site, I should supply some back story as to why this is such a big deal to me. Why I can’t just think about it like any other movement in life. I think I may have to hold off on that a bit though. My emotions are still too raw so once this PMS leaves me alone, I’ll start working on that entry.

So It Begins

2006-08-01T09:07:00.000-05:00

Though I've been blogging for a long time, it's been under a different name. A different "Handle" so to speak. I don't really want to mention the name because I was horrified at the amount of places my it showed up when I googled it today.

I've met many people through blogs and I think blogs are great fun. At first, I had the attitude that I had nothing to hide so whoever wanted to know about me could search me out. I had to have this attitude since I knew there was someone searching me out. She's done it before and used it against me. It's one of the reasons why I never really post about the truly deep issues I might have when it comes to my relationships on my other blog. Then, I decided that I could always post protected. Of course, work stepped in then and blocked the URL for that blog.

I can’t tell you how much I miss keeping up with everyone at Xanga. I try at home but I’m inconsistent at best. I do care and I do miss keeping up with everyone’s life. I’m hoping that this blog will be a way for me to get back into it.

I should warn you though. You’ll get to see all my neurosis on this blog. This is my way of not holding back anymore. Especially when the time comes and I actually attempt to procreate.