Friday, August 04, 2006

Anxiety over the Big Event

So it’s getting closer and closer. The Big Event that has been planned for the other Big Event. A while back I felt like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. Not that I really know if I’m capable of having one. I just felt…very very anxious? Somehow, I calmed down and was able to relax a bit.

Yesterday, I was suffering. Initially it was physically. The dreaded PMS. I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to do with my changing in birth control since I’ve never really had this issue before. Then, I sit there and realize that after next week, I will officially be on my last pack. In my bitterness at my PMSing I consider just not getting on my last pack. Sadly enough, the more I think about it the more I like the idea. Of course, poor J almost started crying when I told him I was thinking of that. I think he just really wants to hold on to his last month of not stressing.

The day got worse. The weather here has been really bad and asthma has been acting up. This made me start thinking about the fact that I have so many health issues, maybe I shouldn’t have a baby? Maybe it would be irresponsible and unfair of me to bring a baby into this world having allergies, a deviated septum, asthma, and acid reflux. Maybe my medications will have major side affects? So I call my mom and my best friend and tell them about my fears and they both tell me to stop being silly and things will work out fine. None of the doctors have ever told me I had anything to be concerned about except my asthma doctor who emphasized my need to stay on my inhaler even while pregnant. So I start to feel a bit better. Then I call J to tell him my insecurities and he’s like “I don’t know, just ask the doctor if you should get pregnant?” Um, the one person in the world who’s opinion matters the most in this and he says that… (keep in mind, I’m PMSing so my reaction to things are over the top as it is.)

I guess now that I’ve started this site, I should supply some back story as to why this is such a big deal to me. Why I can’t just think about it like any other movement in life. I think I may have to hold off on that a bit though. My emotions are still too raw so once this PMS leaves me alone, I’ll start working on that entry.


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