Preparation

I’ve been slowly making changes to my lifestyle to prepare me for what’s to come. There’s an extra 5 to 10 pounds that I need to lose as well as to get into better physical shape in general. Unfortunately my great plans for working out aren’t really panning out due to retarded things called allergies and asthma. I feel like I’m hitting a wall and will need to resort to something I wanted to avoid. This being a “Diet”. Though I had quite a bit of success with the South Beach Diet, I don’t really want to go back to it. There were things that bugged me about that diet and things that I was okay with. I was thinking of taking some of the things I learned from that diet and creating my own. Hopefully it will work. I’m also really really hoping that getting off BCP will make a difference in how well I can work getting into shape as well.

Another change I’m making is caffeine. Now, I don’t think I drink it excessively. But it’s not abnormal for me to have at least 40 to 50 ounces of some type of caffeinated drink per day. Though it’s not all at once, that’s still quite a bit of caffeine. Especially considering the recommended amount for someone trying to get pregnant is like 8 to 16 ounces a day. So I’m trying. Unfortunately, I had also hoped to be into shape well enough that I would be able to cut down more easily since I’d be working out regularly.

Tomorrow is my visit to the OB/GYN for a pre-conception consult. I guess I want to know the facts as they pertain to me. I know that I’ll be put on pre-natal vitamins right away. But I also wanted to know how things will work out considering my history of abnormal periods. Not to mention how the prescription meds I’m on will affect things.

On one hand, I don’t want to be so involved with planning things. I’m worried I’ll stress over it and want it too much. On the other, I don’t want to be ill prepared either. I do have a feeling I’ll be stocking up on home pregnancies tests. With how abnormal I had been and probably will be, I’m sure I’ll want to make sure of things.

I Tried

Okay, so I'm seriously not into writing these days. I just don't have the necessary drive. I don't know quite what to think or say from one day to the next.

You know how you can look back at certain ages in your life and see how you've evolved? How you've become the person you are today? Sometimes you can feel yourself going through the transition and sometimes it's just there.

I've been feeling restless with myself. It's not quite unhappy but it's not quite happy. I have no clue if it's because of external factors or just a need to evolve again. Unfortunately, evolving now is different then it has been in the past. I have J now. I've evolved with him but it's been more into a person that learns to live happily in a relationship. Right now, I'm feeling the need to have an evolution about me. The problem is, I don't quite know how to go about it.

Anyway, I apologize if I'm not making sense to anyone. The truth is, I'm not making much sense to me either. I just wanted to post something explaining that I probably won't update as much as I had hoped I would. I'm just much more interested in reading then writing anything at all right now.

A Little History

I’ve been putting off writing this bit of history for a while now. Some of it is lack of time and some is just fear of being unable to verbalize it. But, I’m going to try.

In March 1994, my period did not arrive as expected. I was 17 years old. I had been pretty consistent since I first got my period. It came every 30ish days and once every few months, it would come at 45 days. Compared to others I knew, it was ideal. Lasted like 3 or 4 days with no cramps. Maybe some backaches and maybe an upset tummy. But that was the extent of my symptoms. I was just like my mother in that sense. Same amount of days, same types of PMS symptoms, even a similar age when we first got it.

At first, when I missed a few months, I didn’t think to worry. I would just make sure I tested myself and let it go. By the time July/August came around, I started worrying. I went to the doctor and they gave me Provera to induce a period. It was like spotting for two days and gone. I was to leave for college in September so I wasn’t very worried. I thought it might have been stress from graduation and college even. September moves into October and so on. When I went home in December, I realized something was really wrong with me. Since March, the only sign of a period I had was induced. I went to the doctor again. I had tons of tests done. Regular tests as well as hormonal level testing. I’ll never forget what the doctor told me that day. She told me that all my levels were normal, that something in my brain was not triggering ovulation for some reason. To this day, those words scare the shit out of me. After all, if you don’t ovulate, how will you ever get pregnant?

It’s been almost 12 years since then. That January is when I got on birth control pills for the first time to “regulate” myself. Over the years, so much has happened. So many tests done. So many times I tried to get off the pill to see if my period would come back all of a sudden. So many pills changed (and of course, weight gained because of them). Anytime I would ask the doctors if it would be difficult for me to get pregnant with my ovulation issues, I would get the same response, “We won’t know until you’re ready to try.”

The last time I tried the whole “get off the pill and wait for my period” was a bit different. I think it was back in 2001 if I recall right. I got off the pill and waited. I waited to see if it would be different this time. About two months went by. Then, for the first time in 7 years, I saw spotting. I saw spotting that was not “induced” at all. No birth control, no Provera. Just me. I did end up back on birth control to, once again, regulate myself. But I had a bit more hope.

So yesterday I bought my last pack of birth control pills. I feel like I’m walking an on emotional razor’s edge. 12 years is a lot of time to have deep seated fears. Then of course there’s the fear that you get from maturity. Knowing how much a child can change you and your life. There’s the fear born of selfishness. There’s the fear born of insecurity at being a good parent. For the past few years I thought the fear of not being able to have a child had abated quite a bit. And yes, it definitely is not as crippling as it had once been. But it’s a bit bigger then I realized. It’s bigger today then it was yesterday. It’s bigger since I’ve now attempted to verbalize it. Ah, this is why I had been putting this post off…

Anxiety over the Big Event

So it’s getting closer and closer. The Big Event that has been planned for the other Big Event. A while back I felt like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. Not that I really know if I’m capable of having one. I just felt…very very anxious? Somehow, I calmed down and was able to relax a bit.

Yesterday, I was suffering. Initially it was physically. The dreaded PMS. I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to do with my changing in birth control since I’ve never really had this issue before. Then, I sit there and realize that after next week, I will officially be on my last pack. In my bitterness at my PMSing I consider just not getting on my last pack. Sadly enough, the more I think about it the more I like the idea. Of course, poor J almost started crying when I told him I was thinking of that. I think he just really wants to hold on to his last month of not stressing.

The day got worse. The weather here has been really bad and asthma has been acting up. This made me start thinking about the fact that I have so many health issues, maybe I shouldn’t have a baby? Maybe it would be irresponsible and unfair of me to bring a baby into this world having allergies, a deviated septum, asthma, and acid reflux. Maybe my medications will have major side affects? So I call my mom and my best friend and tell them about my fears and they both tell me to stop being silly and things will work out fine. None of the doctors have ever told me I had anything to be concerned about except my asthma doctor who emphasized my need to stay on my inhaler even while pregnant. So I start to feel a bit better. Then I call J to tell him my insecurities and he’s like “I don’t know, just ask the doctor if you should get pregnant?” Um, the one person in the world who’s opinion matters the most in this and he says that… (keep in mind, I’m PMSing so my reaction to things are over the top as it is.)

I guess now that I’ve started this site, I should supply some back story as to why this is such a big deal to me. Why I can’t just think about it like any other movement in life. I think I may have to hold off on that a bit though. My emotions are still too raw so once this PMS leaves me alone, I’ll start working on that entry.

So It Begins

Though I've been blogging for a long time, it's been under a different name. A different "Handle" so to speak. I don't really want to mention the name because I was horrified at the amount of places my it showed up when I googled it today.

I've met many people through blogs and I think blogs are great fun. At first, I had the attitude that I had nothing to hide so whoever wanted to know about me could search me out. I had to have this attitude since I knew there was someone searching me out. She's done it before and used it against me. It's one of the reasons why I never really post about the truly deep issues I might have when it comes to my relationships on my other blog. Then, I decided that I could always post protected. Of course, work stepped in then and blocked the URL for that blog.

I can’t tell you how much I miss keeping up with everyone at Xanga. I try at home but I’m inconsistent at best. I do care and I do miss keeping up with everyone’s life. I’m hoping that this blog will be a way for me to get back into it.

I should warn you though. You’ll get to see all my neurosis on this blog. This is my way of not holding back anymore. Especially when the time comes and I actually attempt to procreate.